My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
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[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Yeah. This was me today.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me irl
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.