You Might Also Like
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.