*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
White Castle for the Win
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Probably my best painting.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park