I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
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Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19