Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
You Might Also Like
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.