Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.