I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
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“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.