My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
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Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??