English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
had to share :’)
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family