How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this