I’d hang this in my house.
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
bro what is going on at twitter
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
What about second breakfast?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn