Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.