when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
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The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.