#milo
You Might Also Like
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
consequences, the bane of my existence
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot