Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
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The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Confused owl: What?!
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok