son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan