When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Always 🥴
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off