dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.