Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.