I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE