a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
You Might Also Like
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.