When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Raisins are grape jerky.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.