GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
You Might Also Like
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
no such thing as a dumb question
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”