Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
pls suprot