I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it