Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Natural selection at its finest
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”