son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*