[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective