Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Unimpressed
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*