the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
asking santa clause for nudes