I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
🤯🤯🤯
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.