If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Very problematic
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?