[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.