nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.