5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it