Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss