Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.