I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
The honesty is refreshing
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Some people were born into their job.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones