When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
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My teenage children choosing violence
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
*jazz hands*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.