You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
“A little help here, Danny?”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.