College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop