I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner