Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.