Unexpected Judgment
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.