I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are