A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
asking santa clause for nudes
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
That’s not how days work.