You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.