“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.