“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
You Might Also Like
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Great Canadian literature.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*