The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.